I was that kid who thought being in the garden looking for scuttling insects had me up there as the next David Attenborough - I wasn't - to be honest, the likeness is probably more within the ranks of David Lynch. At the time I felt like I was observing the beauty of all walks of life, but in reality it was more like mass invasion and destruction. I might be painting a picture of a murderous wee psycho here, but in my defense, I was also the kid who nurtured a pet slug in a miniature greenhouse, and who picked up dying bees so they didn't become black and yellow décor for the bottom of someone's foot. Anyway, out of all the garden beasties, it was those ants that held me in the fascination station - the day I witnessed my first ant scooting about on wings – what a day that was.
Indulging in my childhood pleasures leads us down the garden path and straight to the base of the techno tree, because we're on an island where ants dominate in their colonisation of the electronic underground. ANTS roam free at Ushuaïa every Saturday and what this homemade underground party stands for is a solid community feeling – a colony. It built its foundations on being a haven for the workers of the island and its driving aim was to make the people feel the movement of the party with progressive line-ups that put emerging talent first. Main resident, Andrea Oliva, heads the settlement and holding the fortress with him are key tastemakers including Maya Jane Coles, Nic Fanciulli, UNER and Kölsch.
And so it was on one sunny summer day that two members from team Ibiza Spotlight volunteered to roll with the ANTS parade team. Our mission was to get a handle on the day-to-day life of an Ushuaïa ANT - one who drives fresh colony members to the fiesta nest. So we donned black morphsuits, stalked Las Salinas beach in the scorching heat and transformed into critter-like alter egos: Odorous Ant (Aimee) and Carpenter Ant (Ruby). Here's what we learnt.
ODOROUS ANT
Mild perversion is permitted
There's something instantaneously arousing about slipping into a morphsuit - pulling the zip to the top and knowing you can no longer be identified between Pedro and Peter. And funnily enough, it's kind of like you lose your identity to other people too, meaning it's game on for the creeps. And yet, it's almost not surprising, because you're over 5ft tall, you're dressed head to toe in black lycra and you're cruising over golden sand – you're looking a bit dodgy mate. Light toe tickling and the odd 'I'm gonna drag you into the sea' ankle pull were the favoured techniques, but that's not to say you can't push the boundaries and move in for an elbow fiddle.
You da man
If you're not already on that popularity pedestal with a well fluffed ego, then transforming into a ant for an afternoon will sort that right out. One afternoon as a man-ant and we're left feeling like the absolute dogs bollocks; humans queuing up all day for a piece of your ant pie. Did we enjoy being the ones that were essentially poked and prodded? 100%, aye - couldn't get enough of it. But that was just one day, we can't say if the cracks would begin to unfold and you turn to the booze big time under the pressures of maintaining a solid ant reputation. Or you're a complete narcissist and benefit from having a new crowd every single day.
Swimming will lead to death
Crumbling under the intense heat and deliriously wading into the sea in your morphsuit results in death, is the long and short of it. You're a goner if you think you can casually take yourself beyond neck-deep level and one surprise wave even at that level might have you washed up with the seaweed. Real-life ants in the wild are a dab hand at linking up to build ant-made rafts in times of flooding danger, but thanks to the insect gods, at no point did the ocean have us as a unit of wet, potentially doomed victims.
CARPENTER ANT
Instant bat and ball skills
Being almost 6ft and having limbs that resemble a peeled cheese string means I've never been all that good at sports, but one of the entertainment schemes of the day was to clamber into relax mode, spray on some sun cream and have a game of bat and ball. Anxiety filled what air space I had left in my morph suit - was I about to embarrass myself playing every tourist's favourite beach game? All eyes were on Aimee and I and surprisingly we were pretty good. Whether it was the streamline essence of the suit or the pressure, things got pretty intense during the match. I'll be advising all professionals to invest in a morphy.
Tree climbing becomes second nature
While on our journey, a particular tree stood out from the crowd for it looked exeptionally easy to climb. Once closer it was clear it just wasn't. However with a day's worth of confidence burning up inside and a skin-tight suit perfect for twisting around branches, this tree was no match for us. We scrambled to the top and although we probably looked like lunatics, it was extremely picturesque.
Exploring the island in fashion
Forget wearing a backpack and hiking boots while adventuring, instead, stick on a second skin and throw your ANTS tote bag over your shoulder and set off. Swimming and climbing is easier when you're at your most streamline; getting through crowds is easier (mostly because everyone loves to stop and stare), and these are all great factors to have while exploring one of the most beautiful beaches in Ibiza - Las Salinas. Believe it or not, ants get about - every ant around the world is filled with jealousy over ants that live on the White Isle, and rightfully so with all its woodlands and beaches.
WORDS | Aimee Lawrence & Ruby Munslow
