Before I moved to this magical island back in April, I was an Ibiza virgin. The only experience I'd had related to the White Isle were 7 AM kitchen conversations, with ‘Beefa seasonists who I'd just met at a house party, sat cross-legged latching on to every anecdote, memory and myth about their time in Ibiza. It was my ultimate goal to get to the land of groovers and rave until I could rave no more...
And here I am on day 19. Sat in the office quivering and yawning, a large Sankeys induced lump on my head and DC-10 bruises on my legs and yet still, I am conquering. It's not been easy - I've made many mistakes only a newbie to the island would make - and the aim of this piece, is to make sure you don't make the same mistakes yourselves. Even if the comical value is much higher than the consequences.
Wearing any form of high heel at an opening party
IBF. If you know what this stands for you're ahead of the game, if not, allow me to explain the terror of Ibiza black foot and why choosing to wear your favourite stilettos to the Circoloco opening party is just as bad. Wearing sandals to DC-10 was my first huge mistake, because within an hour my toes were black (first major sign of IBF) and the bottom of my poor, poor shoes were no more - little did I know I still had another 12 hours left. The only comfort came from knowing I hadn't made the same mistake as the lass towering in front of me. As fabulous as she looked, the stilts on her feet offered no support and if she was doing opening parties properly, would almost definitely have induced severe pain. The moral of the story here is just don't do it, because on average you'll be at an opening for up to 10 hours. Save your toesies.
Drinking tap water at a club
Ten euro for a bottle of water in any club is really quite a lot to part with when you're on a budget, so you might be tempted to find an empty bottle and fill it with tap water from the toilets. Now, before you shake your head in disgust, I guarentee you will, at some point, consider carrying out this unforgivable act. You're sweaty, your mouth is too dry to talk and there's nothing you need more than a refreshing sip of water. But don't be a fool, the tap water in Ibiza is not for drinking. Save it for the plants.
Asking for guest lists that don't exist
“'Ere, anyone got free guest list for Circoloco on Monday?” Ibiza is crawling with guest lists. Workers especially will rarely pay full price for a night out and rightly so - slaving away all season they deserve a little bit back. Anyone who battles through a season or a long holiday should join one of the many Facebook workers groups, where party-heads post questions, funny photos and more entertainingly, when someone asks for a guest list that doesn't exist. Someone a few years back even asked for guest list for 'DC-20' on a hugely popular Facebook group, only to get completely roasted. Get clued up about what's on offer to avoid being mugged off. And careful who you buy your bands off too, the 10 euro wristband that gets you into Sven Väth's villa post Cocoon probably isn't real.
Going to the West End for 'one'
Well known for its West End Warriors, San Antonio's famous strip is not, on the other hand, well known for a 'few' drinks. Those few drinks will probably end up with you pole dancing in Irish bars and grinding on a random stranger with a cocktail umbrella sticking from your head. All fun and games, but that 50 euro Space ticket for tonight won't be much use when you're too drunk to get a taxi. Just the other night I was asked where to catch a taxi by a girl stood in a taxi rank, with her (probably unused) Amnesia ticket in hand. Pre drinks are a wise move before clubbing if you're looking to save some cash - just don't take it too far!
Leaving accommodation until last minute
Again, this is more of a workers' problem, but I've seen a few homeless tourists bobbing about. It's easy to get carried away with being over excited, “We'll worry about a hostel when we get there, just get our DC-10 tickets sorted!” is a common conversation starter used by Ibiza virgins prior to their trip, followed by “Anyone know anywhere to rent for a week? Any hostels got rooms? Anyone got a sofa for four of us to crash on?” A cave can be an adventurous place to stay, but zero home comforts after a time will get tiring. Sort out somewhere to stay because as the island fills up and the season continues, rooms get more expensive.
Worrying about dress code
Back in England my fashion taste resembles a sixties-inspired, hippy mess. So worried that my clothes may be a little too much for Ibiza, I stocked up on tiny shorts from Primark - handy when it's 35 degrees, but not necessarily my style. One of my biggest regrets is not filling my suitcase with wacky clothes, because here in Ibiza it's acceptable to dress exactly how you want in any of the clubs. Be yourself and don't worry about fitting in, because the island is the perfect place to express yourself with a sea of colours. Ibiza has no dress code.
Forgetting it's a marathon, not a sprint
With incredible parties followed by even better after parties running every day on the island, temptation is in your face from the moment you wake up. But Ibiza clubs are not like clubs elsewhere - you can expect to be there for hours and hours a time and every line-up is a knockout. But heed my warning - when you try and take advantage of that three nights on the bounce, there can be serious consequences. I may sound like your mother, but to get the best experience out here, take at least two days off between partying - that way you're energised enough for the next three-day session.
Not taking advantage of the clubs' early start
The best of Ibiza's days were those when most clubs stayed open till daylight - there's nothing like raving in the sunshine. On rare occasions - like for the opening parties - DC-10 and Space open at around 4 PM, and this is part of the party you simply cannot miss. It might seem gruelling to stay out from the afternoon until the early hours of the following day, but it's an experience too precious to not take full advantage of. During the day is when you make the most rave buddies, and really it's all about taking it easy, soaking up the vibes and easing yourself into the night gently. You don't have to stay until death's end, but 10 extra bonus points if you manage it.
Taking all of your possessions to Es Paradis
Bum bags are a gift from God that help you keep everything safe when you're flailing around in the throes of a good time. Unfortunately they're not all waterproof (if anyone knows of any, please let us know), and at Es Paradis at around 5 AM, the club fills with water, turning the dance floor into a giant, swishing swimming pool - something every raver should experience at least once. It's quite entertaining to watch over-excited lads bomb into the water, phones in pockets as their bank cards float off, although I do feel slight sympathy for their losses.
Not exploring the other side of the island
Ibiza is famous for its super clubs, so of course they should be top of your to do list when you visit. However, there's a different side to Ibiza - a more underground side where secret treasures lie waiting to be discovered. Visit Pikes, a famous celebrity retreat known for hosting Freddie Mercury's birthday shindig and some of the island's craziest parties. Hit up Ibiza Underground, a club that's revered by locals and music heads. And aside from music, get off the beaten track and go exploring, because the island is full of hidden gems. Head up to Benirrás on a Sunday - a hippie's playground that'll leave you in a trance, and make a beeline for some of the more secluded beaches to really take stock and appreciate Ibiza's beauty. Ibiza is swarming with history, try to make that little bit of extra effort to see it.
WORDS | Ruby Munslow
