You know, some issues I'm still having trouble with, whilst adapting to life in Ibiza.
For instance, opening the car door to drive off, only then to remember that the driving wheel is on the other side of the vehicle. Likewise, remembering that when a fiesta is advertised to start at 8pm, arrive at 11pm. Otherwise it'll be just you nursing a caña for three hours waiting for the party to get under way.
There's however one conundrum that no matter how hard I try, for the life of me I still can't fathom out. I'm talking about kissing, social kissing in fact, and especially when it's meeting someone for the first time. My preferred form of greeting has always been a hand shake. Simple, clear, polite and more importantly, no traces of bodily fluid left on the face.
Now? I'm all at sea. I have been cast adrift into the sea of 'mwah-mwah' with no means of getting back to shore. A once confident guy has turned into a socially awkward and inadequate wreck.
Introduced to a delightful woman a few months ago I put out my hand to shake hers. She accepted it and then moved in for the mwah-mwah. I leant forward. On my approach to the target destination of her left cheek she suddenly switched sides to the right. In all this kissing confusion, our noses bumped and I wound up kissing her bang in the middle.
Another victim of my etiquette incompetence.
As Carrie Bradshaw might say "when it comes to the etiquette of social greeting, which cheek should be first? Who should take charge? Just who becomes the mwah-er and who's the mwah-ee?"
I decided to search the inter-web for advice. Someone, somewhere must have had the same problem. Debrett's write: 'it's a potential minefield. Don't kiss people you don't know, do kiss close friends and dates and humour is always the best solution for a meet-in-the-middle mix up.'
Then of course you've the added hassle of face furniture. Sunglasses, especially designer ones which look like giant, ugly TV screens. On the first mwah your own sunglasses clash with these monstrous goggles. They then become entangled and, for some strange reason, one lens steams up. Thus what started out as a cool social greeting manoeuvre turns you into a complete and utter klutz.
My personal favourite so far? "Be careful, I have a cold-sore" just as I moved in for the first kiss. Bloody marvellous! To live out my days infected with oral herpes, all for the sake of saying hello!
Last week I was enjoying cañas and tit-bits in an up-market establishment. One of the tapas was particularly heavy on the mayonnaise...
Munching away, I was approached by a friend of mine. He was accompanied by a delightful blonde lady. She was simply stunning. Tall, unlike me, well tanned and a figure that could grace any glossy magazine, again unlike me.
Red Alert! Potential social kissing time!
"OK, calm down, relax. If there's to be some social kissing to be done, let's get it right shall we?" I rhetorically asked myself. Hopefully she'll accept a handshake. quickly ran through my mental check-list just in case. Sunglasses? Blemish on lips? Any traces of cold-sore cream? No to all three.
"Just a minute, this is my friend Miranda" said my buddy. She accepted my hand with grace. A delicate gold bracelet around her wrist. She looked into my eyes. This woman was gorgeous.
"Hi, nice to meet you". she said in a soft voice. "I've heard a lot about you."
She drew me towards her, taking control for the social kiss. Right cheek, left cheek. 'mwah-mwah'. She smelt wonderful. Her cologne lingered around my senses as she retired. Perfect execution of a social kiss. I was the mwah-ee and this time absolutely no mishaps.
Suddenly she drew her hand to her face. Traces of mayonnaise had transferred from the side of my lips to her face. Wiping it off with her hand she then stared at the oily white mess on the ends of her fingers in complete disgust. Her face said it all. I held my head in shame and offered her a tissue.
Luckily my buddy saw the funny side of what had just happened. His comment to me after she had walked off to find the bathroom can't be printed here, but you'll probably get the gist.
As Carrie might say. "When it comes to a social kissing faux-pas, humour is definitely the best policy"
Just a minute!
NB.
See here for details about Living & Working Ibiza Summer Season 2013, a guide to Ibiza written by Lauren Young. A must read for anyone wanting to work or settle in paradise and avoid the pot holes of island life that I keep falling into. Just a minute!
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